Missing my Sistern

This is the first time I've ever come home without Terri.

I didn't realize that until last night when I started carrying my stuff inside. Terri's stuff wasn't with it. We weren't retreating to her room, putting off unloading until the next day. I didn't sleep in her room with her or make her cheese eggies this morning.

I went into her room last night and a wave of overwhelming sadness hit me. I felt so lost. I stood there for about 30 seconds, trying to get rid of the feeling, but I had to leave. Usually when I go to her room, I feel happy, feel a sense of her. But this time... I don't know. I think it must be because I haven't been writing and calling her enough.

That's going to be my new year's resolution: to contact people I love at least once a week.

This is actually the second time I've come home without Terri, but last time, at Thanksgiving, Ian was with me. It was much, much harder last night when I was alone.

The junk on the porch, the big, nearly empty house, the dying wasp on my bed... I felt awful. I called Ian later and cried while I told him about my frustrating doctor appointment and being home without Terri. That night, as I tried to fall asleep in my mom's room, I had a strange panic attack. Racing thoughts and awful feelings. Sadness, fear, dread, regret... I almost got up and called Ian, but I knew he had gone to sleep and was really tired... so I thought about calling Laura or Paige... but instead I just lay there and prayed, but that felt really weird because I haven't really prayed in months and I don't know what I believe now... not that I totally don't believe in a God, but praying Catholic prayers felt so weird, because I'm almost certain I don't believe in that God. So I counted in Spanish until I fell asleep instead.

I was so afraid... even of absurd things, like sleeping with my mouth open, which I'd gotten used to recently because I've been sick and there were no bugs in Colorado.

Today I'm much better. I got up, had breakfast, and did laundry. I started working on a late Christmas present for Manda. I found another wasp and took it outside. I was feeling better.

Now that it's night again, I'm starting to feel sad, but not as bad as last night.

I feel like my words are empty.

I miss blogging. I don't know why I didn't write this fall. Maybe because I was so happy, because I had so many conversations so often, because I was keeping up with homework, and writing so much for Caswell. I don't know. But I miss it so much.

Terri, I miss you so incredibly much. I'm calling you tomorrow morning. I love you so much.