"Open your arms and feel that horrible loneliness, knowing it will pass." -Laura Zak
I've been doing much better since the first night passed.
My greatest fears come just before going to sleep. I want to sleep, to surrender my consciousness, to surface into the next day, but I also fear it; my nightmares have come back lately. Even more than that, I fear not falling asleep. I even fear that time between lying down and falling asleep.
So I take benadryl and hold my bunny.
I want to write dark fantasies. I want to mix the dark and the whimsical. I want to spend a month making wind chimes out of found objects in a junkyard. I want to chop firewood all day.
I think before I leave, I'm going to spend a day in Terri's room. I'm going to gather every piece of her that I have and place it in a circle around me. A few hours in silence, then a few with her music. I will write everything I think, feel, and remember in a journal. I will face the reality of her absence, embrace the reality of my loneliness, and begin walking the path toward realizing the reality of her eternal closeness.
Tracey, I think your idea to sit alone in Terri's room with her objects, memories, and music is beautiful. I would also love to read what you think, feel, and remember, if you would like.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to hear more about your thoughts on mixing the dark and whimsical. How do you find a balance? How to you not overwhelm your reader with the dark, but include enough to examine its seriousness?
Something else, along the lines of feeling afraid before going to sleep...maybe explore that more. Why are you afraid? What scares you about that situation? What could you change to not feel afraid? Maybe, something as simple as acknowledging your fear will help.
I'm so so happy you're blogging again!