Calloo, callay!!
I'm in the State right now. That feeling... but loosely. Like some gauzy garment gradually growing...
I just realized, what I want to say constitutes a spoiler. As maddening as it is, I have to keep it to myself. I'll tell you the other things.
Somewhere near the middle-ish end of the movie, the film burned. We all thought it was part of the movie at first, until we saw it more clearly, the sepia fading to black at the edges, to a black screen. Crackling.
So I took the interim to attempt to describe this feeling. This is what I wrote: "That familiar uneasiness... feeling... outside myself."
The world is vast and clear to me. I see everything. If I could focus, I would tell you the most amazing things. I would find words to describe colors you've never seen--and I haven't either.
Ambient. Yes. I feel ambient.
"I feel like there's this whole world of possibilities and I can't stop them." -Nichole. Huh. You feel like me.
"It's four in the morning. Thoughts don't exist." -Jacob
Imagine it! The world without a thought!! Or is that how everything is? What is a thought?
Nichole was ultra hyper afterward. She danced and sang in the backseat. I, between her and Grace, was swept up in the wave of hysteria. We did more ridiculous dance moves than I knew existed.
I saw our window full of Christmas lights from the outside for the first time. It's so beautiful, more beautiful than I can tell you. It's hope and love and so many good things. Why don't I sit out and look at it?
We laughed in the stairwell. Blatant, maniacal laughter, echoing and reaching above the trees.
They Call Them Movies
I'm remembering far away days,
the way the thousand images play,
Not one alike and all the same,
The key to a thousand far away days.
What should I do? Is this psychosis? Is it just me? Is it everyone? It's so interesting. I kept searching for my magician... I'm always searching for him now. That absence, that loss... I miss him so much. This is interesting. Is it bad? Is it harmful? Yes... I know it is... and I miss him all the same.
How strange it is to be anything at all.
Tracey...this post is such a beautiful poem.
ReplyDeleteI really really really liked this line "I would find words to describe colors you've never seen--and I haven't either," because I have often wondered whether or not there are other colors, but frustrate myself with my inability to perceive them...and even think outside our own color realm. When I try to picture something, it's just a variation of brown or red.
There is a tangible feeling of excitement in your words. Especially this line "Nichole was ultra hyper afterward. She danced and sang in the backseat. I, between her and Grace, was swept up in the wave of hysteria. We did more ridiculous dance moves than I knew existed." Reading this brought me back to the time when we ran through the Legacy to get the Totem pole for the Celtic Christmas...or doing Christmases with the Irish set-dancers.
If it's redundant to quote your post back at you, I apologize! But I wanted to let you know what I think and what your poems invoke.
"What should I do? Is this psychosis? Is it just me? Is it everyone? It's so interesting."
I can relate to these feelings. I don't think it's the psychosis. I think it's one of those moments in which we feel truly alive. But, I don't know, and would tell you to trust what you fee
"I kept searching for my magician... I'm always searching for him now. That absence, that loss... I miss him so much. This is interesting. Is it bad? Is it harmful? Yes... I know it is... and I miss him all the same."
I think the same goes in other areas of life...when we are pulling ourselves out of hurting relationships, letting go of harmful thought processes or people in our lives...letting go in general.
So I think it is natural to feel these emotions for the magician. He's been with you for a long time.
But, in a way, we are always moving, always leaving, always making new relationships and friendships, and letting go of our old.
The Magician will always be in the words you wrote for him. Sit calmly and wait for him to pass.