When we spar in tae kwon do, somehow I always end up going last. Almost like Master Kim doesn't want me to spar. I don't know why he doesn't just pair me with the 130 lb guy instead of these bigger guys, telling them "light contact." Today, he almost had two people who'd already gone go again.
"Sir?" I said, raising my hand. "I haven't gone yet."
"I know," he said, looking around the room.
"I'll fight you on my knees," the guy next to me said.
Oh, that's funny. Yeah. That's really funny. I know I'm small, okay?
So the guy who gives me a ride seriously fought me on his knees. Could you insult me more, please? And you know what's worse? He still had the advantage. I still didn't do that well.
And somehow, I was still nice to him.
I wished I was black belt Brittany. Not for the belt, but for the strength of will. She would have rolled her eyes and said "Get off your knees and fight like a man--unless you're scared."
I said calmly, mid-spar, "You know, this would be a lot easier if you stood up."
He finally did. And of course, I still didn't do that well. I got a few kicks... but he was just faster and stronger. At least he didn't let me win.
I thanked him sincerely afterward, but I felt so defeated... that crushed my spirit.
I couldn't believe Master Kim allowed that.
After class, my whole body shaking, I wished I was fast and strong. My kicks are good. My stretches have only gotten better--I'm nearly doing the splits all the way to the ground. I keep my kicks high and strong throughout workouts. But I'm small.
Small.
I feel small.
I miss my aikido instructor. He never babied me. He would have said "You're a woman. You can take it." and he was right.
I am a woman, and I am strong, and I can take it.
I say that, but I don't feel it. I feel weak and small and tired. I feel defeated and I just want to die. To be honest. And I was so nice to him. What a jerk.
I wish I could tell them how far I've come.
But what to do?
Keep going to class. Keep learning. Keep fighting. Keep my feet from touching the floor.
Maybe I can't beat them in a fight. Maybe I'll never be able to. Maybe I wouldn't actually be able to defend myself if I needed to. But I must try. I must fight. Because I am a woman. Women are strong.
And you are strong, too. Remember it.
Tracey! You are strong. And it is so so good to hear (read?) you say that.
ReplyDeleteI think you blamed yourself too much in this post. I got the sense that you felt responsible for the way your instructor and classmate acted toward you. It's not you at all.
It's their perceptions.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...but I don't feel like you have to prove anything to them. You don't need to work harder to get stronger, because you are already strong. You can work harder to improve...but not for them.
For you.
For you who is strong.
Not for them who are sad and willing to go as low as to drop on their knees and fight you.
And I'm upset that your professor allowed that too...and can understand how humiliating that must have been...
Maybe you could still talk to your classmate? I have a feeling he didn't know how humiliating it was. (Or I hope he didn't) or talk to your professor still.
Mostly <3. Women are strong.