You are so Important

I'm up late and I shouldn't be. But that's okay. For good or ill, it's all over tomorrow.

In spite of everything I've had a good semester. Mostly right now, I just wanted to put down some happy thoughts.

It makes me so happy that I've become friends with Ian's roommate. I'm not just his roommate's girlfriend. I can come hang out with him without Ian and plot silly jokes with him. He sends me facebook messages about government conspiracies and annoying things that the U.S. does, things we can be angry about together. We went halvsies on an early birthday present for Ian. Recently I've taken to spending my up-late-and-shouldn't-be's sitting on his bed while he sits at his computer, watching "The Angry Beavers" or "Hey Arnold" together, commiserating about the decline in quality cartoons since the 90's. We have awesome 1v1's on Melee, and he coaches me through Majora's Mask and Fire Emblem.

I've embraced my identity as a gamer and feel totally comfortable among my nerdy guy friends. I've become a confident speaker in my classes. One day I more or less soloed a discussion with Caswell and I informally led a group discussion in my poetry class. I feel like a skilled peer reviewer and feel confident and comfortable speaking in workshops. I shamelessly volunteered to read my work in creative writing class, breaking the ice for my classmates.

GPA shmeePA. My grades aren't so good, but I have direct quotes from my professors saying how much they appreciated my contribution to discussions. I genuinely learn things. Isn't that the point?

Well. That's my big project for the summer, and deadlines, like extinction, are not evil, but simply Are. They can be good things. They'll serve to keep me from striving for unhealthy perfection so that I don't squander my thoughts and experiences on one project that is already valuable as it is. They'll help me help people.

All my life until now, I've felt like a martyr in training. I've valued unconditional patience, forgiveness, and self-sacrifice. I've deliberately suffered great harm even if the benefit for others was small. Why do these unconditional values make sense in a conditional world? The one unconditional thing I still believe in is love. Even then, love need not be alone. Emotions can coexist.

Now, I seek wisdom. I still seek to understand as much as I can, but I want to learn to exercise patience when it is appropriate, and alternately to act swiftly and decisively when I need to. I no longer suppress and fear anger. It has a place in things. Sometimes anger is as helpful as patience.


I'm just as valuable as any other creature, and so are you.