Please Pardon my Dark Thoughts

I tried to kill a cricket for my mom tonight, and I couldn't. I sat there with her shoe in my hand, staring at it, and thought about taking it outside, but outside a few thousand more were swarming and I would probably let in two as I took one out. I stared at it and felt hopeless and weak and guilty.

Now that I think about it, this whole situation feels kind of like that to me.

When my mom filled my prescription for seroquel today, it was $90 with insurance. I don't understand; I've never paid more than $30 for it. I felt so guilty upon hearing it that I wanted to shoot myself.

I don't think I should be staying on 50mg of zoloft for so long. I think I should probably be bumped up to 100 soon, but I don't see the new psychiatrist for another couple of weeks. Every morning when I drop two in my hand, I want to take the whole bottle.

I wish I could stop taking them. I've felt awful for the last few days anyway, and seroquel is so expensive. I feel selfish taking them--like my mood is so important... as if they're recreational... I feel weak; what do I have to deal with that's so hard and calls for all these pills? If I could, I would stop taking them immediately and forget about treating depression, anxiety, and psychosis. Let me be depressed, anxious, and psychotic. Give them the money back, and the worry back, make Dad calm and Mom laugh. I haven't killed myself yet.

In my little cloud of depression, it's completely logical to blame all the problems around me on myself and the medicine I take. But if I wasn't taking them, almost all of these problems would still be here and I would be barely functioning.

Dad yells at Mom and she's so sad and grandma's so crazy. Dad's better lately from sleeping more, but he's still rude to her...

I just wanted to tell someone. It isn't all bad, and the bad things aren't that bad. I had a good day last week. I know my feelings now are temporary.

But that's it exactly: Being home right now is like kneeling on the floor with a shoe in my hand, staring at a cricket I should kill for my mom, thinking of catching it, then remembering the legions outside.

I want to go to sleep for a long time and stay in bed all day. This is how the monsters sing to me--it feels comforting to do things that worsen my depression. The monsters sing while I get fat eating ice cream directly from the carton like my life depends on it.

BUT! Please pardon these dark thoughts. They'll brighten with the morning when I watch the sunrise with a black cat named Sylvester. I'll be sitting on the edge of the tornado shelter kicking my feet, watching color and light fill the sky. And that is where the hope is. I will spend some time here, trying to kill a cricket I can't rescue or escape, but This, too, Shall Pass.

I hope you have a glorious day and I love you with all my soul!