He says "Daddy loves you, even if you did grow up on me." He says I promised not to.
I wonder if he knows it's hard to grow up.
I wonder if he knows I promised because I never wanted to.
I wonder if he knows I still don't want to.
I wonder if he knows that it happens no matter what, and what you grow up into is just a matter of how you take it.
Everyone grows up, like it or not. Some people just turn into big children. Or maybe we're all always big children. I don't know.
I never say anything when he says that. I usually sulk, but so far I've done a good job of not sulking.
I told my mom that some people have fun putting up their Christmas trees.
When my dad walked in and said "What the hell are you doing?" I answered, as calmly as you please, "Putting up the tree," and on impulse "Do you want to help?"
"No."
That didn't bother me, though. It's funny, really.
Sometimes I wonder if anything is really happening at all, or if every day is actually a strange variation of a single day, repeated over and over and over...
This is from Tony Kushner's afterword to "Gross Indecency: The Three Trials of Oscar Wilde" If I read it correctly, this is from a prose poem of Wilde's (decribed by Kushner):
"Lazarus, whom Christ meets weeping by the roadside, answers, when his Savior asks him why he's lamenting: "Lord, I was dead and you raised me into life, what else can I do but weep?"
Kushner responds:
"...there is much to do, after being raised from the dead, besides weeping."
Tracey I liked how you pieced your thoughts together in this blog entry. I like that you put your thoughts into separate paragraphs like that...it makes them more distinct.
ReplyDeleteDo you think Lazarus was weeping because he liked the after life? And he didn't want to come back? Maybe, for the first time, he felt at peace? And then Jesus rudely re-awakened him?
And Kushner perhaps is speculating that peace is akin to oblivion (in this case) and the world does not need oblivion? That it would be nice if we all lived in this peaceful world, but we don't, so rather lamenting his loss, Lazarus should work to make where he is at better?
I may be looking too much into this.
Mostly <3! I am so happy that you are updating your blog!
Oh Laura. :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a more positive view of Lazarus's weeping than I did at first, lol. Biased by my own feelings, I thought he was weeping not exactly because he liked the afterlife but because he found his previous life so unbearable. I was thinking from what little Biblical knowledge I have that since Jesus had not yet died and opened the gates of heaven, Lazarus (you know, by this story) would probably have been in a sort of limbo or something... I was just imagining that as yet, death for him had been merely a sort of ending or stopping... and when he came back, maybe he was weeping because the prospect of starting again and living again was too unbearable. It didn't occur to me that he might have found peace. I like that thought.
I'm not sure... I love the phrase "the world does not need oblivion." That's beautiful. It bears thinking. Highly interesting... To accept suffering and wait for peaceful oblivion or to strive to create peace... who knows, who knows...
:) Thank you. I'm so happy that you read it. Love, love, love. <3