Someday I want to dye my hair blue, cut it spiky short, and wear a really short skirt with black tights that only go to my knees. Maybe with a shirt/jacket with slits in the shoulders and elbows. I want to dress up for fun and use flashy blue eye shadow.
The only makeup I've ever worn is stage makeup, and that was to make me look old. All the girls did their own makeup for One Act Play except me--I didn't know how. When they tried to teach me I just ended up poking myself in the eye and crying like the guys did.
I think I grew up thinking it was bad to be a girl. It was only okay if I acted like I wasn't a girl--hated the color pink, played with bugs, wore plain clothing, didn't wear makeup or want to, didn't talk about boys...
No, that isn't it. Being female doesn't mean liking the color pink and wearing makeup. Those things have nothing to do with being a girl. Maybe it's bad to be... "that kind of girl"?
This all sounds silly. Still, this is what I grew up thinking:
-Girls who wear lots of makeup and flashy clothing grow up to be slutty women.
-Being a slutty woman is almost the same as being a desirable woman.
-Men make women happy, and men only like desirable women
-Only pretty girls are allowed to be pretty, and therefore only pretty girls are allowed to grow up to be desirable women, and therefore only pretty girls can really be happy.
-I wasn't pretty and I couldn't be pretty.
Obviously those things aren't true. It's silly that I even grew up thinking that--this is the 21st century, and women are more respected than ever. It's true that there are still plenty of negative stereotypes floating around, but... I don't know. I just don't want to sound melodramatic.
Sometimes I want to draw attention to myself. When I was in One Act Play in high school, I secretly wanted to play lead. In Celtic ensemble, I wanted to sing lead on a song. The one time I did it ended pretty disastrously. I guess I haven't reached a sufficient confidence level yet. I guess these things take time.
You know... being a woman is a wonderful thing, and I hope someday soon I can really feel that way myself.
